New "Daily" Blog

http://myselfonlife.blogspot.com/2009/05/welcome-to-my-life.html

I Miss,...

Sally Rose
Miss the love we shared
What happened to the romance, Baby?
Where are all the cute singsong names you used to call me?
The gentle way you used to look in my eyes
Finding your place in my heart though them,
And taking up residence there.

What happened to us?
Have too many storms weathered our beloved love?

I wonder at times,
Looking at the dock,
That is to say your eyelids,
As they are closed in slumber
Keeping me from entering the ocean that calls my name.
From lips of perfection,
That seal the secrets of my desire.

Oh, Baby...
What's become of us?

A Change of Pace

Trust is one thing I can say I have trouble doing. I believe there are only three people that know every little thing about me that has gone on. I love them all sooo much and I hope I never lose them because they are truly something special.

While I do not trust easily I have found that many of my friends find it very easy to open up to me. There have been many nights sitting in my car talking away well into the darkest hours of any given day. I suppose I was just born to listen to people and help them out that way. I currently have two of the closest people to me going through some pretty intense times in their lives. While one has chosen to open up to me with little to no hesitation I have found that the one closest to me is really the one that is the farthest.

Why is it that the ones we love the most take the furthest steps back at stressful times in their lives? For once I would love to not have to pry to get information out of my most beloved. It pains me to think that he's going at this alone and won't let me in to be at his side. It bothers me in such a way that I think he is unloading his thoughts elsewhere....I no longer know where I stand in his life because currently it feels as though it is not beside him any longer.

We don't talk very much at all. He's always helping his mom with stuff or just simply does not want to talk. He hates it when I ask him questions to keep conversation flowing...but what else am I to do? I see him slipping from my grasp and every inch he falls away my heart loses will to go on. I don't want to lose him again but life, it seems, has kept this little inevitability from disappearing because no matter how hard I try there is always something I've done wrong. There is always something...I don't understand why. I have mastered the technique of ignoring others words and doing everything for him, with little to no acknowledgment. It pains me, but such is life, currently.

So much has been piled unto my brain that I am impressed at myself for how much I've grown in my ability to remain separate from my friends issues. I have managed to just be a voice of reason and the receiving end of a telephone line. I don't wait to talk anymore, I wait for my friends to take their time and open up their hearts to me.

I love you all.

Anger...

Recently I have been feeling a sort of anger that I have never really experienced before. The sad part is, it is all directed toward my boyfriend. Most of the time it isn't played out to him I just hang up the phone and bitch out the air but it still bothers me to a great extent. I don't fully comprehend why I am so angry at him. Upon some reflection I think, "Maybe I am not mad at him per se but just the things he doesn't do when I want him to." I will admit to being over bearing at times and wanting of a lot of attention but I would figure that he would know that....he has, after all, been with me three and a half years (four this May). If he has yet to realize this then he must not really pay attention to me.

I don't know...I've just been so fed up lately. Not with him but with how people act toward me regarding him. Johnathan, for instance, is one person I no longer wish to hold any sort of conversation with because of his inability to censor what he has to say about my fiance. He has yet to get it through his thick head that I don't want to be with him anymore and that my heart has chosen Anthony. Tough shit for him but he honestly needs to stop priding himself in saying that he is better than what I have because he's shown me that he can be related to a piece of shit. I mean, honestly, when someone tells you to shut the fk up and you continue to talk....really? And when someone tells you you are being a dick and you're okay with that...there are problems with you, like serious problems. SERIOUS psychological PROBLEMS. I suppose that is beside the point.

I really just need to unwind again. I hate living here....everything is just SO intense SO much of the time. I want to get out of this town as soon as I can because I honestly don't think I can keep my sanity living here much longer. I don't see how the hell people have lived here their whole lives. Anthony tells me I'll miss it here when I move away, I don't think he could be more wrong. I really hate this place and if you know me, even a little, you should know that I can hate near nothing.

What and ever, A-Wo-Man

The Beauty of the Rain

Softly it starts,
It flows from clouds like heavens rivers.
How beautiful the sounds of rainfall.

Intensity gathers and it feels as though
All the tears of orphans are descending upon me.
Nothing will ever amount to this sorrow.

Then,
A kiss,
Placed gently on my body
In the form of a raindrop.
How lovely it is to feel such passion in such a small aspect of nature.

How simple
And how beautiful.

Love and rain
May seem polar opposites
But to me,
They are just the same.

Love and rain,
Love and rain,
Love.
And Rain.

The Art of Saying Good-bye

I believe there is an art ot saying god-bye. Whether it be to a friend, a loved one, or someone in your family you always want to say good-bye on good terms. I hate saying good-bye to someone if they are angry with me, which is why I'll always try to find a way to make them stay a while longer to calm down so that we may part on better terms. Sometimes though, it just makes things worse. I think people really need to sit down and realize what good-byes are. You are parting with a person and every time that happens it may be the last. Most people don't realize that and it really breaks my heart. Hopefully there will be a day when at least a dew more people realize that, even if they talk to the person everyday, saying good-bye in a positive state is CRUCIAL. I cannot emphasize that enough.

So, next time you say good-bye, take a second and realize what's really happening and always make your good-byes something to remember.

Love <3

This right here is the guy I love. I tend to obsess over his needs and tend to wait on him very much but none of that matters. What matters is that it's all repaid to me. I know we may fight a lot and become irate with one another, however, after the seas have calmed, the only thing that remains is the pure sunshine of bliss. I find so much beauty behind the rough exterior of our relationship, sadly enough these are things very many of you don't see because it's only things he'll show or tell me. Regardless though, you all know I love him, and if you don't then you obviously don't pay attention to me when we speak.

Many people wonder what love is, well let me tell you what I think love is. I think love is when you sit to hear from that ONE PERSON all day. When, as soon as you get online, you check to see if they are too and if not you try and write them something but fail because there is too much for you to say and you try not to think about them not being there because it hurts. I think love is the feeling you get when you look into that ONE PERSONs eyes and you melt, from the top of your head all the way down to your toes. I think love is waking up and knowing someone cares the MOST ABOUT YOU. Waking up and knowing someone is ONLY YOURS. It is how your eyes glaze over when you daydream about how you want to be with them at that instant and always. It's knowing that you never want to be without them. Knowing that their hand is the only one you want to hold for the rest of your life. Their lips the only to be kissed forever. It's the feeling you get at the top of your throat when they just look amazing. It's being one, knowing what they're thinking and knowing how to put that to good use. It's being able to read their body language to know if they're sad, happy, wanting or lonely. It's knowing when they need a hug, a word of inspiration, a moment alone or a kiss. It's knowing them, as yourself and calling them "me." It's knowing that they are your better half, even though you're theirs. It's looking in eachothers eyes and seeing nothing but endless possibilities. It's talking about the future: family, children, what cars you'll drive. It's knowing that no matter what happens you'll always have eachother's hearts and the keys to unlock them.

To me that and he are LOVE.

Hate

I don't think I will ever understand the emotion of hate. I have had far too many altercations in my life to at least have seen hatred toward your fellow man, however, I have yet to understand it. I got a message from someone today telling me they hated me and to never try to speak to them again; I honestly don't know how to react to that. That individual has caused me much strife in the past week or so, and yet I do not hate HIM. Why is it then, that he hates me?

What exactly is hate?

People Make Me Sad

I have come to realize that ignorance and idiocy run rampant in the human race. What other creature do you see that gets mass quantities of itself to kill itself? I will never understand violence let alone war. I suppose that is why I'm so adamant on trying to make a difference. I feel compelled to rally on with my brothers and sisters of peace. Take the action of walking on the streets crying out for my wounded families in the middle east, Africa, and every other place where harm is done unto ourselves. It appears to me that no one thinks that we are all related. We are all the same species, ergo we once came from the same mother, father. WE ARE each others long lost cousins. I call on this humanity that has long since been lost to rebirth itself! Let us once again be courteous and loving toward one another. Let us strive for that connection we lost with each other when the connection of computers was brought to these hands. These soft delicate hands that are now much to tender to massage the Earth into reproducing it's many wonders so that we may feed, so that we no longer hunger and so that we may GROW, TOGETHER, UNITED [we stand]. It is with this division that we are able to kill each other with out thinking twice of it. I hope, beyond any belief structure imaginable, that we realize that we are killing OUR children, mothers, fathers, aunts, and uncles. I believe we need to be more loving, caring, and courteous but not just to be that way. WE must FULLY embrace it and do so with patience and complete awareness that we're doing so. We must genuinely feel these emotions. I feel so detached from my peers it almost makes me want to weep. How did we get so far as to no longer acknowledge one another on the street, as to be so distant that opening a door for another person [one you don't know] is frowned upon because it invites conversation? When did this happen? When will we open our eyes and see all the beautiful things about one another?

When will we just open our eyes and...

STOP!

Smell the roses for a while and compliment one another. It never hurts to make a stranger smile. Imagine the miles that can be covered if you were just to go up to someone and say, "you make this world a more beautiful place." That right there isn't just a step forward it's a mile because that person will keep that chain of positive nature going until you reach someone too far gone to be saved by just ONE gesture. Let's try everyone, let's try and save ourselves from ourselves.

I don't know what it is...

...if it's the sudden rush as the lights backstage shut off, the sound of the curtains opening, or that first breath before you say your opening line. It's something though. Something about that feeling. The feeling of putting yourself on the line as a character. You live this character, breathe as it, exhale as it, speak and move as this character, even though...it is only for a couple hours and then you are returned to the cacophony that is the world that surrounds us.

But what of this world? This decrepit sink hole that we refer to as the world. Are we still not merely actors upon a greater stage? I ask this because it feels as though I am sometimes. I feel as though I am being directed by something to make certain choices and do certain things. This person, however, is always just outside the reach of my vision, somewhere in the darkness of the audiences' seats sits, the director of my life. Currently I'm just wondering why this director is leading me to fk up so much of my life.

I have just been awful....

I don't know any other way to describe it aside from that, so I suppose that must suffice for now.

World Traveler
You see the world with your eyes,
But do you truly realize
The beauty before them?
It has much been sought after,
The types of sights that your eyes capture.
But do you truly see how beautiful this world can be?

Pain has discovered the pathways
To your heart,
However, it seems as though your will
Be forth the mountains disguised in your eyes
Before you let your fractured heart be broken.
Is this what keeps you from
Seeing the divinity laid before you?

You must learn to see past the battle in your soul
And see the wonderments
Spread out before you in this unclear world.