A Change of Pace

Trust is one thing I can say I have trouble doing. I believe there are only three people that know every little thing about me that has gone on. I love them all sooo much and I hope I never lose them because they are truly something special.

While I do not trust easily I have found that many of my friends find it very easy to open up to me. There have been many nights sitting in my car talking away well into the darkest hours of any given day. I suppose I was just born to listen to people and help them out that way. I currently have two of the closest people to me going through some pretty intense times in their lives. While one has chosen to open up to me with little to no hesitation I have found that the one closest to me is really the one that is the farthest.

Why is it that the ones we love the most take the furthest steps back at stressful times in their lives? For once I would love to not have to pry to get information out of my most beloved. It pains me to think that he's going at this alone and won't let me in to be at his side. It bothers me in such a way that I think he is unloading his thoughts elsewhere....I no longer know where I stand in his life because currently it feels as though it is not beside him any longer.

We don't talk very much at all. He's always helping his mom with stuff or just simply does not want to talk. He hates it when I ask him questions to keep conversation flowing...but what else am I to do? I see him slipping from my grasp and every inch he falls away my heart loses will to go on. I don't want to lose him again but life, it seems, has kept this little inevitability from disappearing because no matter how hard I try there is always something I've done wrong. There is always something...I don't understand why. I have mastered the technique of ignoring others words and doing everything for him, with little to no acknowledgment. It pains me, but such is life, currently.

So much has been piled unto my brain that I am impressed at myself for how much I've grown in my ability to remain separate from my friends issues. I have managed to just be a voice of reason and the receiving end of a telephone line. I don't wait to talk anymore, I wait for my friends to take their time and open up their hearts to me.

I love you all.